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January 5th, 2012

09:25 pm: ahhh!
I feel like such a fool!! :(

Current Mood: betrayed
Current Music: Death Cab

June 8th, 2008

06:23 pm: oh bright eyes...
I have a friend, he's mostly made of pain. He wakes up, drives to work,
and then straight back home again. He once cut one of my nightmares out of paper.
I thought it was beautiful, I put it on a record cover.
And I tried to tell him he had a sense of color and composition so magnificent.
And he said "Thank you, please but your flattery is truly not becoming me.
Your eyes are poor. You are blind. You see, no beauty could have come from me.
I am a waste of breath, of space, of time."
I knew a woman, she was dignified and true. Her love for her man was one of her many virtues.
Until one day, she found out that he had lied and she decided the rest of her life,
from that point on would be a lie. But she was grateful for everything that had happened.
And she was anxious for all that would come next. But then she wept.
What did you expect? In that big, old house with the cars she kept.
"Oh!" and "such is life," she often said. With one day leading to the next,
you get a little closer to your death, which was fine with her.
She never got upset and with all the days she may have left,
she would never clean another mess or fold his shirts or look her best.
She was free to waste away alone.
Last night, my brother he got drunk and drove. And this cop pulled him off to the side of the road.
And he said, "Officer! Officer! You have got the wrong man.
No, no, I'm a student of medicine, the son of a banker, you don't understand!"
The cop said, "No one got hurt, you should be thankful. And your carelessness,
it is something awful. And no, I can't just let you go. And though your father's name is known,
your decisions now are yours alone. You're nothing but a stepping stone
on a path to debt, to loss, to shame."
The last few months I have been living with this couple.
Yeah, you know, the kind who buy everything in doubles. They fit together, like a puzzle.
And I love their love and I am thankful that someone actually
receives the prize that was promised by all those fairy tales that drugged us.
And they still do me. I'm sick, lonely, no laurel tree, just green envy.
Will my number come up eventually? Like Love is some kind of lottery,
where you can scratch and see what is underneath. It's "Sorry",
just one cherry, "Play Again." Get lucky.
So I have been hanging out down by the train's depot. No, I don't ride.
I just sit and watch the people there. And they remind me of wind up cars in motion.
The way they spin and turn and jockey for positions.
And I want to scream out that it all is nonsense.
All your lives one track, can't you see it's pointless?
But then, my knees give under me. My head feels weak and
suddenly it is clear to see that it is not them but me, who has lost my self-identity.
As I hide behind these books I read, while scribbling my poetry,
like art could save a wretch like me, with some ideal ideology that no one can hope to achieve.
And I am never real; it is just a sketch of me.
And everything I made is trite and cheap and a waste of paint, of tape, of time.
So now I park my car down my the cathedral, where floodlights point up at the steeples.
Choir practice was filling up with people. I hear the sound escaping as an echo.
Sloping off the ceiling at an angle. When voices blend they sound like angels.
I hope there is some room still in the middle.
But when I lift my voice up now to reach them. The range is too high, way up in heaven.
So I hold my tongue, forget the song, tie my shoe and start walking off.
And try to just keep moving on, with my broken heart and my absent God
and I have no faith but it is all I want, to be loved and believe in my soul, in my soul...

Current Mood: blankblank

February 23rd, 2008

06:35 pm: for sure!
Coachella '08 is almost around the corner...anyone interested in going with me and Monica???? Everything is booked and we're set to go but need someone to split the bill with...hotels are crazy overpriced!


????????????????????????

Current Location: home
Current Mood: coldcold
Current Music: Bowie

January 28th, 2008

08:56 am: blah
I'm an IDIOT!

Current Location: TCCF
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: Dandy Warhols

May 3rd, 2007

08:52 am: Coachella was awesome!
so i nearly collapsed from the 100+ weather and developed a severe fever that left me immobile for a few hours...but I had such an increbidle time. We stayed with the mayor of coachella, pretty cool (and young) guy, and we party-hardy with Monica's crazy-ass cousin who exhausted his car battery, lost his keys, and passed out in the parking lot while tail-gating and somehow maintained his humor during the whole ordeal. All I know is everyone else was furious!!! haha! We ran into "Mr. Livejournal" and that was insane because he's hotter in person...geez, is he ever. and saw incredible performances from Julieta Venegas and Rodrigo y Gabriela.

Now I'm at work, semi-recuperated from the weekend. birthday party coming up, graduation ceremonies/davis visit in june, my birthday in july, sunset junction in august, mana concert in september and lots of traveling inbetween and grad school application to complete by october/december.

I feel alive :)

Current Music: La Ley

January 26th, 2007

08:55 am: Update
I purchased my tickets for coachella yesterday!! I am incredibly excited. Monica and I already have a place to stay, free of charge! thanks to one of her friends. We're trying to convince Lisa to go, but she's been pretty busy going back to school and working on the prop set up for some movie. I think Mario might go, which is good for me but nothings definite. April's looking good! actually so is February. I have so much freaking work, writing proposals and what not. But the foundation might send me to a conference on education in North Carolina with keynote speaker Maya Angelou, one of the greatest voices of contemporary literature. I'll find out in a week or two whether I will attend.

Things are good.

Current Location: At Work
Current Mood: busy
Current Music: They Might Be Giants

August 17th, 2006

07:54 pm: My Fortune
So after having Panda Express for lunch today with practically all of my co-workers (in case I haven't mentioned it, I have a temporary job) we went around the room opening our fortune cookies and reading our fortune. Everyone had the typical optimistic, somewhat clairvoyant message that make you go "hey that sounds about right"...well my was right on the mark. complete bullseye...as soon as I saw it I freaked. I thought I can't read this aloud but I was forced. It read:

"Avoid unchallenging occupations-they waste your talents."

My co-workers just looked at me and pretended to be amused. I was mortified for like a minute afterwards until I realized that I am talented or "gifted" as I was duly labeled years before. The rest of the day was awkward, everyone sort of avoided me...and now we are apparently going to have an important conference meeting next week and everyone's secretive about the topic...I'm the only one that has no idea what's going on...they wont tell me...a.little bizarre?? yes. yes indeed. that or I'm reading too much into it.

Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Peaches

July 10th, 2006

01:29 pm: Over kill
I don't understand what's happening. I've become so completely detached,.. alone and afraid. Vacant. I've hated these past two weeks. The most important people in my life are gone and their adsence is staring me in the face. I can't ignore it. I can't forget it. I can't try to conceal it with other thoughts and memories, not this month. This is their month. I can't let go, move on, forgive, accept...i don't know when I ever will.

I really wish i could talk to you. I've needed you so much but you hate me right now and that's fine. I'll give you space. I don't know what else to do.

December 22nd, 2005

10:19 am: The Rat
You've got a nerve to be asking a favor, you've got a nerve to be
calling my number, I know, we've been through this before
Can't you hear me, I'm calling out your name
Can't you see me, I'm pounding on your door

You've got a nerve to be asking a favor, you've got a nerve to be calling my number
Can't you hear me, I'm beating on the wall
Can't you see me, I'm pounding on your door
Can't you hear me when I'm calling out your name

When I used to go out I would know everyone that I saw, now I go out alone if I go out at all

Current Mood: crappycrappy

December 15th, 2005

11:04 am: working
just me and paul today.

Current Mood: boredbored
Current Music: none
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